Things I Wish My Mother Taught Me

I wouldn't say that I was privileged in having good relationship role models. Growing up, the only consistent person I had around was my mom. And after my dad left, my mom became a different person. She unwillingly showed me that her happiness depended on another person, and it wasn't something her children could provide. I don't blame her, I never have. I know that she became the person she did, because she felt that she had too. Or maybe she felt that she didn't have another choice, I'm not sure. I know that she never intended to take the path she did, but everyone heads down many unplanned paths for various reasons. 

When I was young, I can remember watching my mom as she would put her all into a person, and in the end they would simply destroy her, piece by piece, little by little. They would waltz in and out of her life, without so much as a blink of an eye. She would latch onto them, sort of how a child clings to their security blanket. And she wouldn't let go, until she had no other choice but too. My mom had a difficult time knowing her worth, no matter how many times I found myself holding her hand in mine and telling her how beautiful of a person she was, and still is.

All through my youth, I thought that my mom's relationships, were how it was supposed to be. She would give and give pieces of herself to people, in hopes that they would stick around. And then she'd be wrecked when they left, because she felt that a piece of her happiness had left as well. I've learned that each relationship is different, people may come and go. But that your happiness doesn't need to dissipate each time someone exits your life. 

I wish my mother had taught me that I do NOT need to depend on another person for my happiness. I wish she had taught me to be more strong willed and independent. To put myself first, because in order to create happiness for others, I need to create it for myself first. Although she did not teach me these, it does not mean that I have not learned them. I feel more secure in the person I am, and still becoming with each passing day, and for that, I thank her. Because she has shown me that you are constantly growing and evolving, and that as long as you don't limit yourself, you can continue to learn what you need to become a better YOU. 

Dearest Momma,

This past year has been filled with a lot of different emotions. In the beginning, I felt torn, worn down, and helpless. I had to remind myself constantly that there is only so much you can do to help someone, when they aren't willing to help themselves. I use to hold my breath, not knowing the kind of mood you'd come home in, or how you'd react to any given situation. I wanted so badly for you to want to change, but it didn't happen. Until one day, it did. 

I remember my heart dropping to the floor as soon as my sister told me what happened. Come to think of it, I don't think I picked it up for a while after that. I just sort of left it there on the ground, collecting dust and adding to the scratches and cracks that already existed. I walked though the world as a ghost for the month following that phone call. I couldn't help it. So much had happened and at first, I didn't know how to handle it all. I was so angry, but so upset and scared. I didn't know how to express that all while still attempting to maintain a strong exterior for my sisters.

You're a completely different person. You now remind me of the mother you were when I was a little girl. You're so lighthearted, kind and carefree. I knew you were there, under all the layers of pain you had experienced. I knew that you used alcohol to numb the pain at first, and then after you got used to the numbness, it turned into an addiction. I've accepted that I wasn't enough to make you change, that we all weren't. I've accepted that this was something that you had to do for yourself. I'm just happy now that you have, changed that is. Now, 7 months later, I can honestly say that after everything, it's a relief to be able to breathe again. I even picked my heart up from the floor. 

I'm reminded of how lucky we are to have you back. No matter what this past year has put my sisters and I through, you're finally back with us and I couldn't be happier. 

Life is Beautiful, October, 2014.

 

The feeling of being surrounded by people who are just as lost in the music as you are, is simply an indescribable feeling. Music has the ability to lift you up and take you somewhere that you've never been. This is one of the most powerful feelings that I know of. 

To put it simply, this night was one of the greatest of my existence. 

Photos taken at Downtown Las Vegas, featuring various street art, the Foo Fighters, and the Arctic Monkeys. 

Happiness

I'm currently in the process of rediscovering my happiness, because I lost it for a while, or maybe I misplaced it. Either or, it's been absent. I'm well aware that it can happen to anyone, just didn't think it'd be me. But life has a way of surprising us all, whether positively or negatively.

I've come to this recent realization that my happiness must come from within, and it must be my first priority. It isn't something that someone can create for me. Happiness is a choice. And the only way another person can have power over my happiness is if I allow them to.

So I'm going to start creating my own happiness, starting with my own simple pleasures. I will choose to drink coffee whenever I damn well please, spend my Sunday swaddled up in my blankets with Netflix as my only company, get lost in a novel to the point where I forget to eat, laugh uncontrollably at something no one else seems to find the least bit funny, or drive around the city if not only to listen to good music, but just for the joy the drive brings. Each of these, and countless more bring a small smile to my face.

I desire to be that girl who all think is smiling for no reason; but in reality, it's just because she's happy. And it's not anyone's doing but her own. That simple statement is what will make all the difference between yesterday and today.

Under the Kitchen Table

It was late afternoon. Late afternoon under my kitchen table. I had one arm wrapped around my sister, and the other cradling her head. She was so small at the time, we both were. Each time his voice rose, we cringed. We couldn't help it. It sounded like a roar erupting from deep inside a dragon's belly. Through the chair legs, I could see him standing there, and just past him, stood my mom. She was screaming back at him, and I swear I saw wings begin to blossom from her back, as though the caged bird she once was, could be set free. 

In that instant, I saw his hand rush up and clench her throat. The fire in her eyes began to descend as his grew. I shielded my sister's eyes and closed my own. There wasn't anymore I wanted, or needed to see. He continued to yell until he was left with the last word. He stormed out leaving my mom, the look of defeat seeping from every pore. That's when I knew this would be the beginning of a forest fire, the ones that take heaven and earth to stop. 

My Sisters, My Blessings

Not everyone is blessed with a sibling,  let alone three. And especially not sisters like mine. I consider myself lucky. Not only for having sisters, but for the relationship I share with each of them and the bond we all have. 

My sisters are my best friends.  I can tell them anything and know that they won't judge me, but try to understand and respect where my head is at.

Megan has the largest heart of anyone that I have ever known.  She feels everything so deeply. She's always looking to help in anyway she can. If that means buying a homeless man a burger and chasing him down to give it to him, or just smiling at every stranger she sees in hope that it will make their day a little brighter. She always tells me the bitter truth, no matter what and I love that. No matter what happens between us, I can always count on her.

Paige is wise beyond her years, and she's aware of it. But she doesn't let that stop her from still being a teenager.  She has a beautiful soul filled with independence and the lust for exploration.  I can't wait to see how she takes the world by storm and the woman she becomes.  She is always inspiring me to go after my dreams and aspirations and to never hold back.  I am so grateful for her and the way we can relate to each other on the level we do.

Hailey is still so young and innocent.  She doesn't know how the world is yet and that makes me happy that she still has the time to remain a kid. I'm glad that she has 3 older sisters who will show her the way as she grows, and who will teach her that she is her own person and that is what makes her beautiful.  That, and her unconditional love. 

My sisters are what matter most to me in this world. I know that with them by my side, we can handle anything the universe has to throw at us. And that is what makes all the struggles worthwhile. 

Don't Be Afraid

When you say your thoughts out loud,  they automatically become more real than you ever imagined they really were. You can only keep your thoughts hidden within your mind for so long. The longer you keep them hidden, the worse you will handle them when they finally come to light. 

I've had first hand experience with this. Correction,  I am currently having first hand experience with this. Even though I shouldn't,  I'm one to keep my feelings hidden under lock and key.  I'm always scared to release them, scared of what doors they will open,  or close. 

It will be one of the hardest things I will ever do, but it is only one small part of my life. One chapter,  maybe two. But it will not consume me. 

Why shouldn't we all spend the majority of our lives being true to ourselves and what we feel is right in our hearts?  There is no reason why not.  Not one. On that note,  I hope you do as I am choosing to do and release your feelings. Don't leave them contained any longer.

I Want to Know You

I want to know you, I mean really know you. And I don't mean what you do for a living, or your favorite food.
What makes your blood boil?
Your stomach ache?
Your heart race?
What crosses your mind in the middle of the day?
What makes you so happy that your eyes crinkle at the corners and your mouth forms more lines at the edges?

Because, I want to know you.

How do you like your eggs and how do you take your coffee?
What's your favorite song?
Do you play it too loud so you can feel it down to your bones?
Who or what inspires you?
Who's your favorite author?
Do you get lost in his words?
Are you lost already?

Because, I want to know you.

Do you drink now to forget or for no reason at all?
Has your past made you, or broken you?
Where are your scars, what stories do they tell?
What keeps you awake at night, staring endlessly into the darkness?
Whats the last thing that crosses your mind before you close your eyes?
Will you tell me?

Because I want to know you, I mean really know you.

Why Do You Write?

Writing is my release, simple as that. I write for many reasons.  I write to try and let go of all that I'm holding onto inside. I write because it feels good, to let words flow across the page. It feels like I am truly creating something beautiful, and I love that. I love the feeling of creating art and having all come from my fingertips. 

But the main reason I write is because I truly want to reach people down into their soul.  Like your favorite song, no matter if it's the 1st, 5th, or 30th time you've heard it, that song still gives you chills and makes you feel something deep down. That's how I want to affect people.  I want them to feel as though they've just listened to their favorite song when they read my work. I just want to create an impact.

And for that, I won't stop until I reach people. And why should I, why should you?

Ps, Pardon my French on my picture. It fit too well to not post it.

Downtown. October, 2014.

These are a few shots I took last weekend when I went on my own little adventure downtown. I did a little exploring and it was completely worth it. Time spent with just yourself is so crucial. If you can't enjoy your own company, how is anyone else supposed to?

It Starts With You

Looking back through all of my journal entries prior to this year, I have a number of mixed emotions. Pity, surprise, joy, disappointment, etc. Although, the most overwhelming emotion I have is how proud of myself I am.

I am so proud of the independent woman I have become. It was a change that I didn't realize was occurring, but that's the beauty of it. I know that I've come a long way; been through my fair share of life's difficulties. But I am not broken. I consist of many scratches, some cracks and even a few missing pieces, but I am still whole.

I came across a quote that fit this post so perfectly:

If that's not one of the truest things I've ever read, I don't know what is. It really does start with yourself. Most days, I don't give myself enough credit. So I have to continuously remind myself that, I don't need anyone to take care of me. I never really did.

No matter what anyone tells you, you don't need anyone to take care of you. That's what you have yourself for. If there's anyone you can fully depend on, it's you.