The First Saturday of November

There are so many different feelings that arise when you take a step outside of your comfort zone. Excitement, happiness, anxiety, nervousness. The first two outweigh the second two, most of the time. But I'd be lying if I said that anxiety and nervousness hadn't made their appearance.

I left Vegas for a week long road trip with my sister, Paige, through the Pacific Northwest, on the first Saturday of November. I'd never done anything like this. I didn't grow up taking trips or venturing out to new places. I just knew that there was so much I hadn't seen, but needed too.

There's so much loveliness in doing something for the first time. Because you only have a mere idea of what to expect, but so much is still left unknown. All you have are your questions and expectations dwindling in the dark. You can prepare as much as possible. Leave the house with 7 different lists of what you need and what you already have, but those won't prepare you for what you don't know.

They don't prepare you for all the different sights your eyes will see. They don't prepare you for all the different feelings that will ignite a spark in you along the way. They don't and can't prepare you for the countless moments you will spend in awe of the beauty that the world around you holds. God, it's truly remarkable.

I loved it all. Each and every second. I loved not knowing what was coming. It was a relief to me. I was finally able to breath again.


Below are some pictures from my trip through the Pacific Northwest. We stopped in Santa Cruz, CA, San Francisco, CA, Humboldt Redwoods National Park, Portland, OR, and Seattle, WA. Let's just say, I fell in love.

Happy Friday lovelies! xoxo

Gone

You’ve lost control again

You don’t know where you are

Or where you’ve been

You’ve been going for so long now

The days are beginning to blur

You question how you got here

And then you remember the liquor

The way you let it consume your all

And devour you from the inside out

You lost yourself along the way

And now find yourself without

You tell yourself this is the last time

That you’re tired of feeling so gone

That you want to feel alive

And you’re ready for a new dawn

But you say that each time

As I hold back your hair

I continue rubbing your back

And imagine were elsewhere

Surrounded by mountains

Or in a house by the sea

But what’s the use of dreaming

If you’re not there beside me

Life Is Beautiful, September, 2015.

For me, there's just something about music.

There's something about getting lost in the lyrics and the instruments and the way the artist makes it seem like he's speaking directly to you, and not every other person on the planet.

All of this is even more enhanced when it's live. Not to mention, being able to vibe with hundreds, if not thousands of other people who feel the same way you do. As you jump to every song and scream your lungs out, or close your eyes to take in the feeling around you, right in that moment. You're all riding the same wave.

Music creates this universal connection between people and god, is it beautiful.

The last weekend of September, 2015, I was able to experience the Life Is Beautiful festival. Let me tell you, it was one of the greatest experiences. Words can't fully express it, but in an attempt to, it was simply incredible.

Below are some shots taken over the 3 day festival, including some shots of the artwork that now covers so many walls downtown. Calling it beautiful would be a mere understatement. Enjoy! xoxo.

Bands pictured include: Atmosphere, Twenty One Pilots, Duran Duran, Imagine Dragons, Brandon Flowers and The Killers, Weezer, and Death Cab for Cutie.) 

(PC:My best friend, Wendy)

Remember, You're Human

I'm trying to find who I am. Beneath the flesh and bone, beneath the self-doubt and insecurities. As I become more confident in my skin and in the person I am becoming, I am growing closer to the person I am meant to be.

But even now, I have days where I'm harder on myself than I deserve.

"You're feeling too much. You're overthinking it. You're being too nice."

The definition of too is a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively. 

I read those words and immediately think why. Why is feeling "too" much, or being "too" nice viewed negatively? When did these become bad traits to possess?

They're not negative qualities, not in my book. They're what make me who I am. They are what set me apart from the rest. I'd rather do too much, be too much, feel too much. Always. Because who am I if I'm not too much? Just enough? Mediocre? I'm so much more than that. So much more.

I want less days where I am hard on myself. I want them to be few and far between, especially when it comes to characteristics that make me more of who I am. So, I'll stick to feeling everything, and being considered far too nice at times.

Because I am human. And I tend to forget that. While I'm trying to find out who I am beneath my skin, I need to remember that I'm still human, regardless of my search within.

It's Okay to Be Selfish

It's okay to be selfish. It's okay to be selfish. It's okay to be selfish. 

The truth within that sentence is overwhelming. It's a sentence that I've been trying to use more, but sometimes it just gets lost in the midst of my thoughts. It normally comes back to me after I've already gone through the motions of feeling guilty over a choice I made that didn't benefit someone else, a choice that benefit ME. But, you want to know a secret? 

Putting yourself first is okay. 

No, it's better than okay. 

It's great. 

It's freeing. 

It's necessary. 

Finding the balance between selflessness and selfishness is something that I've always struggled with. I want to do everything with selflessness, but how do I do that while still making myself a main priority and not feel bad about it?

The simple answer, you just choose to do so.

It's a choice. A choice as simple as deciding to go to the gym. Deciding is the easy part, but remaining committed is the real struggle. 

Telling myself, "It's okay to be selfish," is the same thing. Deciding that I want to believe in this fully is one thing, but choosing to reflect it in my everyday life is the challenge, but one that I willingly accepted. 

Putting myself first is no longer as hard as I thought it was. I wake up knowing that the choices I make are what's best for me. Because at the end of the day, that's whose in my corner. Me. Being happy with your choices and your decisions is a good feeling, one that can only be understood if you're riding the same wave, and I really hope you are. It reminds me of the calm I feel when I look out over the ocean. Tranquility.  

A World of Fiction

I was talking to a friend at work the other day when our conversation drifted to the topic of who we are. He said a phrase that I cannot seem to get out of my head, "I have no desire to live in a world of fiction." 

A World of Fiction. Having first heard the phrase, I knew that I had lived here there for some time. I surrounded myself with what I thought would make me happy, make me grow, make me proud of the person I was becoming; but some of it was a facade. More than I cared to realize. I grew comfortable in this land of fiction. I made a home, and even decorated my walls. 

Today, I am taking down my picture frames. I am packing up my belongings and I am leaving this World of Fiction behind me. I am leaving for a World of Truth. Somewhere where honesty will seep out of my pores and engulf me. Somewhere I will choose to only be true to myself and what is best for me. Somewhere that I know I need to be. Somewhere that I will be surrounded by raw, pure, exposed veracity. I will build a new home, and fill it with new decorations. 

Because I no longer have the desire to live in a World of Fiction. 

I Want to Fall in Love

Love is something, isn't it? Something that can be described, in three words, or in none at all. Something that either makes too much sense, or doesn't make any sense in the slightest. Something that is entirely exciting, yet terrifying all wrapped up in one pretty package, with a large bow on top. I can't say that I know all that much about love. But from what I do know of it, I don't want to fall in love just once, twice, three times even. 

(Quote originally by Anthony Capella, used in The Age of Adaline)

I want to fall in love continuously, constantly, courageously. Over and over again. 

I want to fall in love with countless people. Places. Books. Movies. Songs. Memories. My life. Myself. 

Falling in love is such a beautiful journey, and I don't ever want to stop experiencing it. I want to embrace every version of it, in all of its entirety. I want to look back throughout my life and reminisce on each time I fell in love, and how beautiful it was each time. Whether it be the first time I experienced Zion and fell in love with it's one-of-a-kind beauty, or the first time I heard the song Pyro by Kings of Leon and felt it all the way down to my bones. 

Love is exceptional, and should be experienced for all that it is, and all that it can be. 

Happy Saturday! <3 

The Pressure to Be Happy

Since summer started, I've been inside more often then not. (some days, by choice, to stay out of this dreadful heat; some days, not by choice.) I decided to take a summer class so I could get back on track, while also completing an internship. To put it simply, I've been busy.

I came across an article recently titled, "The Pressure to Be Happy," while doing an assignment for my Psychology class and it really struck me. I was able to relate by the time I finished reading the first line. "What's your goal in life? To be happy. To find happiness."

I can recall saying those very words not too long ago. I just want to be happy. Truly happy. After reading this article, I came to a realization. People are molded and pressured into this belief that Happiness is the ONLY goal, when it shouldn't be.

Emotions are real, and it's okay to feel them. To experience them for all that they are, part of us. We're not always taught that, or we are, but we forget it along the road to adulthood. Like a lost suitcase.

We're told not to cry, or scream, or feel frightened. Well, sometimes it's okay to cry, scream, feel frightened! We often forget that these are normal emotions. Yes, I said normal! We wouldn't know what true happiness felt like without having experienced fear, or sadness, or anger.

So, I have new goals. I don't just want to experience happiness, I want to experience it all. Everything. I want to feel angry and upset and frightened and irritable and happy too. I want it all because it reminds me of what happiness is. And that is where I want my reality. I want to look in the mirror and not see a sculpture of a woman who's been doing all she can to try and be happy. I want to see a woman who has felt it all and despite that, still remembers what it's like to be happy. And comes back to that feeling more often then not.

Twenty-Two Years

Twenty-two years. Twenty-two years on this oversized, blue and green marble. Twenty-two years filled with experiences and lessons learned. Twenty-two years filled with joy and sadness, excitement and despair, good times and bad. It looks old, written out. It sounds old to me as well. Although I know it isn't, not even close. Twenty-two years.

 

Birthdays are always special to me. I feel the same way about them as I did when I turned six. Happy, excited, older. I always ask someone if they feel different on their birthday, and most respond with, "No, it just feels like any other day." I don't know what that feels like. Call me crazy, but I always feel a change in myself when I turn another year older.

 

I look at birthdays as a time to reflect on myself, the past year, and how I've grown/changed. So much happened this past year that it feels as if it were closer to 7 years instead of just 1. That's such a relief to me though. It was only a year, and I made it to Twenty-Two. That's a luxury that not everyone has. So, I'm going to thank the universe for keeping me on this globe another year, and celebrate it by eating some pizza.

 

For my birthday, I spent the day with my family at Zion National Park, right outside of St. George, Utah. I couldn't have asked for a better 22nd birthday. Some pictures from my trip are below!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Change

Change is a constant. It is one of the few things we are sure of in this world. Well. That, and the fact that pizza is greatest go-to food of all time, and chocolate really does make you feel better. 

I am constantly changing, evolving, growing. I am not the same person that I was 5 years ago. And I can almost guarantee you that I probably won't be the person I currently am, in 3 years. 

There are so many different things that contribute to our change, whether it be positively, or negatively. (Although, I do hope it is a positive change.) People change us, relationships change us, tragedies change us, even books we read or movies we watch can influence a change in us. 

I don't just embrace change with open arms, I basically make it a full course meal. That's saying a lot, due to the fact that I don't cook all that often. I just can't find the urge to turn change away. Sure, it doesn't always happen under the greatest circumstances, but that's part of this entire "LIFE" thing, isn't it? What's that saying... "Life happens." We're all just trying to figure out what makes us happy, and how to move forward in life while remaining so. 

I guarantee you, I don't have it all figured out. I hardly know how to do my hair on some days. (Okay, most days.) But, knowing that I have not yet become the person I am destined to be, is such a beautiful comfort to me. As I continue to change, I know I am one step closer to meeting the woman at the end of the road, and thanking her for being within me all along. 

Happy Saturday <3 

For a Brighter Day

I'm constantly striving to better each day, for so many reasons! I'm alive, for one. I'm healthy, for two. I have lovely people in my life, for three. The days are not always sun filled and bright. Like every person does, I have some days that are so cloudy, I forget what the sun looks like.
So if I find that those aren't reason enough to have a good day, I have a few rituals I do to help.

I'll listen to my favorite song not just once, but 4 times on the drive to work. (Yes, I dance in my seat like a lunatic and sing my heart out. Yes, drivers look at me like I'm crazy) Or, I'll grab a second cup of coffee because 1. I love coffee, and 2. I talk myself into thinking I deserve it, which I end up succeeding at every time. That's not all!

No matter what goes on throughout the day, I always try to do these few things to make my day just a little better, and let me tell you, they work pretty well!

1. Look up at the sky. Just sit and look at it for a few minutes out of the day, whether it be day or night. It's a nice little reminder that no matter what is going on around you, the world is large and there will be bad days, but they don't last for long.

2. Read. Read a chapter from that book you've had your eye on, read some of your favorite quotes, read an article that interests you. Just use your brain to read something, anything. You'll be happy you did. 

3. Close your eyes and breathe. Whether it be to reflect on a moment of happiness, or even a moment of frustration that you're trying to surpass, it'll help. I promise. 

4. Slow down. You don't have to make that light, I swear there will be another one. Stop walking so fast, I swear you'll get there eventually. You don't always have to spend your day moving so fast. When you do that, you fail to take in the world around you, and that's the last thing you'll want. Ferris Bueller said it best, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

5. Take a minute in the shower to just let the water run over you, cleansing you of your worries and woes. You'll come out feeling so much better then you did before. Plus, who doesn't love a good shower.  

6. Say "I love you." Tell your mother, your sister, your friend, everyone that you care about! Don't hold back. If you love someone, let them know. Those 3 words are more powerful than you think.

7. Try your hardest to NOT go to sleep angry, frustrated or upset. Bu the end of your day, you should be at peace. You won't always be, that's a simple fact. Life is life. Things happen that make some days tougher than others. But the sun will set, and then rise again, and your tomorrow will be better.

By doing these few things each day, I've noticed that my days are just a little bit brighter and more positive. At the end of the day, that's all I'm really looking for anyway. Happiness and peace of mind. Find yours. <3