Fire

Within my chest is a mixture of fire and ash

So much of these flames are your doing

And I thank you for them

I wouldn't be who I am without their presence

There are times when they consume me

And I'm not one to complain

Because I always find my way out of the flames

No matter the amount of time it takes

Sometimes I need to be immersed in them 

They remind me why I still fight

Why I never give in and let the negativity of the world 

take me under

Within my chest is a mixture of fire and ash

So much of these flames are your doing

Grandma,

I thank you for them.

This one's for you Grandma. A small description of the impact you made on my life. You're a part of me, every day, and I'll miss you always.  

Zion National Park - The Narrows

The amount of calm that washes over me when I am surrounded by nature is astounding. Every stress I have is relinquished to the trees, the fresh air, and the water rushing beneath my feet. The more time I spend outside, the happier I feel. This warmth starts in my chest and only blossoms more and more as my time spent enjoying Mother Nature increases. And by the time I head home, I feel so much lighter. More free.

Over the weekend, I found myself at Zion National Park, hiking the Narrows, with my boyfriend and my sisters, and my sister's girlfriend. I spent most of my Saturday surrounded by fresh river water, towering canyon walls, and other hikers all enjoying the beauty that the earth has to offer.  

The Narrows is a hike up the Virgin River that flows through a gorge within the park. It's a 13 mile hike in it's entirety, but you can turn around at anytime and hike back down to where you started your trek up. It's a beautiful hike, to say the least. You're in water 95% of the time. During Summer, refreshing is the most accurate word I can use to describe this hike. It's been 3 days and I already wish I was back in that water, and not sitting at my desk, trying to work.

So until I find myself in some fresh water again, I'll be reliving this past Saturday through these pictures. If there's one thing I can suggest for this Summer, Go Outside. You won't regret it.

Hello

I can't get that look you give me out of my head
It devours any other thoughts that try to make their way in
They never stand a chance against it.
And I don't expect them too.
Not when it comes to those eyes.

Have I mentioned how time disappears when I'm beside you?
One minute it's 7 and the next it's 1
And I find myself wishing I could go back
Just so I could continue kissing you
And lose myself in you all over again.

I thought I knew the difference between dreams and reality
Until your hands traced my body
Your fingers following each and every curve.
And the two meshed together
Creating a beautiful calm.

I never thought a love like this would find me
Until I ran into it
And had no other choice
But to say
hello.

Back on the Front Burner

It's been over a month since I've written. This last month has been filled with plans, and adventures, and amazing memories. But this last month has also been filled with excuses, and justifications, and pushing my writing onto the back burner.

I turned 23 three days ago. I've been on this earth for 23 years. And on the eve of my 23rd birthday I made a statement that I am allowing to shape my life over this next year.

I decided to put my writing back on the front burner of my stove. I'll be turning the fire on high and attending to it constantly and consistently, giving it the attention it deserves. Because if I don't, it's going to grow cold. And I'll be damned if I let that happen.

I was meant to be a writer.

I'll be repeating this statement to myself over and over as I state this journey that I've been so scared of. It's taken me far too long to take this step, but if there's anything I've learned throughout my last 23 years (okay, maybe my last 7 years), it's that the universe is all about timing.

That being said. stay tuned for some words from yours truly. I promise not to disappoint.

  

It's About What Makes You Happy

I spent my Saturday competing in an Adventure Hunt with my boyfriend for a trip to Panama. (To answer your question, no we didn't win.) But we had the most incredible time! From hiking at Red Rock, to running all over the Las Vegas strip, to getting our final points at Hoover Dam, it was EPIC and one of the coolest things I have ever done. (You can see all the videos on my Instagram.) After the hunt, we drove to Lake Mead to relax for a little while.  As I stood in the water next to him, laughing at how I sucked at skipping rocks, I realized just how happy I was in that moment. Not only with him, but with my life, who I surrounded myself with and where I was going. I would go through everything I'd ever been through all over again if it were to bring me to that exact moment, standing in the water at Lake Mead and skipping rocks after an exhilarating, yet exhausting day with my favorite guy. 

(Enjoy this picture of Robert and I bear hugging a tree, courtesy of Adventure Hunt)

Because at the end of the day, no matter what BS may have happened, it's all about what makes you happy. Not what makes your mom happy, or your friend, or your sibling. I'm coming to realize more and more that you can't make everyone happy. No matter how hard you try, you just can't. But it isn't about their happiness, it's about yours.

Just a little food for thought on this Sunday. xoxo

The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

The greatest man I ever knew had grey hair and big cheeks that held his cheshire grin.

And at the age of 5, he was the first person I thought of when I was asked what home smelt like. 

I remember him always watching the birds, 

his binoculars held up to his eyes, his bird book on his knee.

He would tell me about all the different kinds as I looked I up at him with wonder. 

I remember him teaching me to make the dove sound, 

and as the years have passed, even that memory has faded.

But I can still hear the sound of his voice,

especially when I remember him reading to me as I sat on his lap. 

Each and every time I watch the sun dip behind the mountains, 

I think of you

how we used to take walks around the neighborhood,

when we used to make Christmas cookies every year,

and how you were the first man I ever looked up too. 

I'll never be able to thank you for all the memories

or the amount of love you gave me.

But I know that you know,

Especially on days where a dove flies past my window. 

I love you endlessly Papa. Thank you for showing me what a man truly is. Thinking of you always. xoxo

A Letter to Myself

Sometimes writing to myself directly is the only way to get through this thick skull of mine. Like the rest of us, I am human. So, my self doubt stops by for a visit, regularly. In order to kick him out, I have to be more direct then kindly asking him to exit the parts of my brain that have succumb to his negativity. I have to call myself out and put myself front and center and tell myself exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't realize it. Sometimes it's just what I need. 

Dear Melanie,

You deserve each and every star in the sky. I'm not kidding. And the minute you realize this to be true, the lighter you will feel. Don't you deserve to be happy? Fuck, we all deserve to be happy! We're placed on this large marble for an unknown number of years, and most of us spend that time just trying to figure it all out. We don't know what we're doing. We just give it our best shot along the way, making countless mistakes and stepping on toes, trying to make our way to the front, to that we can reach that one, universal goal, happiness. 

You will meet enough people in your life that don't want you to be happy. Some will veer you off course, sending you on a detour, and some will stop you in your tracks for sometime before you get the courage to pick up the rest of you and continue on. You'll meet enough of these people, so why allow yourself to be one of them? 

Stop talking yourself out of all the goodness in your life. Embrace it instead. Some of it can be hard to wrap your head around, this I know. But when you come to know your worth, it's that much easier to understand the goodness in your life and why you deserve it. 

So, let him love you without you asking why or how. Just love him back as fiercely. Let your sister tell you how great she thinks you are without your confusion as to why she thinks so. Maybe she sees something in you that you don't, yet. Let yourself be appreciated for all that you are. Because we all deserve to just that.  

Start realizing that to some, you exude light, and those are the ones you're supposed to hold onto with clenched fists, not keep an arms' length away. 

Just choose to accept and give love without barriers. You owe it to yourself, and the universe may thank you for it. 

Love,

Yourself

That being said, I hope that you choose to lift yourself up always, but especially when self doubt creeps in. Know you deserve to feel light and airy and free, always. xoxo. 

7 Hour Drive

There's something about driving through the desert alone that gives you a different perspective. I'm one of those people who loves to be reminded that they're a part of something so much bigger, and the desert is something that reminds me of that. It opens your eyes to just how much is out there beyond your comfort zone. Especially when you're driving through it for 7 hours. Your mind tends to wander a bit. From that book you keep meaning to finish, but forget about, to that friend you know you need to reach out to because it's been just a little too long, to everything you're planning to accomplish in the year to come. 7 hours can be a long time, but I've got enough going on up here to keep me busy. Not to mention, the killer road trip playlist that I sing my heart out to throughout the entire drive keeps me preoccupied as well.

I drove up to Reno last Thursday to surprise my best friend, Wendy, for her birthday. She had no idea that I was coming, and her boyfriend, Jason, had been helping me plan it for over a month. I had already known that the weekend would be great! But I failed to realize just how much Wendy and I both, had needed this. The weekend was lovely in all of it's entirety, from Wendy showing me around Reno, to all 3 of us going to explore Lake Tahoe. From the girl time spent drinking wine and binge watching Netflix, to the time spent alone on my drive there and home. It was nice to slow down for a minute and just take in all the goodness going on around me. Just enjoy time spent with my best friend in a beautiful place. The happiness I felt driving home, and continue to feel as I write this is one I'll be holding onto tightly. 

Below are some pictures from my trip. Enjoy! xoxo

 

PC: Jason

PC: Wendy

PC: Jason

PC: Jason

Life's Moments

I've been through my fair share of life's moments. Those curve balls you never see coming, or maybe you do but you don't have enough time to move out of the way, so you stay and take it. They've shaped me into the woman that I am, and am still becoming. I'm grateful for them, every last one. 

But I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few times along the way where I felt a little out of control. A little lost, in a sense. Okay, a good number of times. 

More recently, I've been struggling with the fact that I'm 22 and have yet to start my career. Hell. I haven't even made it halfway through college thanks to lack of money and some excuses, but why is beside the point. The fact is that is my current situation. I've been really hard on myself up to now. I've compared myself to everyone else who has graduated or started their careers, or looked as if they had their life together when in reality, I had no idea if what I saw on Facebook was accurate or not. But I didn't care. I saw these other people and would say to myself, "What are you doing Mel? Why don't you have your stuff together?!" I was harder on myself then necessary, but I think that's what pushed me to this point where I am currently. No, I don't yet have my degree, but I know that I'll get it some day. No, I haven't started my career just yet, but I'm pushing for it every single day because I know that I need to keep challenging myself if I want to do what I really want to do with MY life. 

I want to be a travel writer, at least that's what I think I want to be. In actuality, I have no idea if that's what I really want to do. I just know that I find the most joy doing those two things, writing and traveling. I don't have an exact idea of what I'm doing, but I do know that I'm trying. I'm writing every day and I'm constantly thinking of what I can do next to get me closer to whatever it is I should be doing. I decided to take some time off of school to focus more on my writing and traveling. It may not be how everyone else does it, but I can feel the goodness of this decision in my bones. And when you feel something in your bones... you're a fool to push that idea away. Simple as that. 

It's okay if you take a different road then that old friend you have on Facebook. Just know that their journey was for them, and yours is for you. Once you come to that realization, you become a little easier on yourself, and the lost feeling comes around a little less often.  

Within

Meet me atop a mountain 

and you will see within 

the deepest trenches of my heart,

Of my self

My darkest parts on display,

I am an open wound

But you see past that

Past all the scars,

into my very core

And I condone you,

for it is hard to see through all the fog

There was once a brick wall,

but it has been knocked down over time,

brick by brick 

and I am left bare.

The feeling of freedom 

courses through my veins 

as I overlook the vast landscape 

the universe has laid out before me

And I don't want this feeling to leave my bones 

for all of eternity

For now, I'm back on solid ground

However,

my soul is still atop that mountain

amongst the clouds.