The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

The greatest man I ever knew had grey hair and big cheeks that held his cheshire grin.

And at the age of 5, he was the first person I thought of when I was asked what home smelt like. 

I remember him always watching the birds, 

his binoculars held up to his eyes, his bird book on his knee.

He would tell me about all the different kinds as I looked I up at him with wonder. 

I remember him teaching me to make the dove sound, 

and as the years have passed, even that memory has faded.

But I can still hear the sound of his voice,

especially when I remember him reading to me as I sat on his lap. 

Each and every time I watch the sun dip behind the mountains, 

I think of you

how we used to take walks around the neighborhood,

when we used to make Christmas cookies every year,

and how you were the first man I ever looked up too. 

I'll never be able to thank you for all the memories

or the amount of love you gave me.

But I know that you know,

Especially on days where a dove flies past my window. 

I love you endlessly Papa. Thank you for showing me what a man truly is. Thinking of you always. xoxo

A Letter to Myself

Sometimes writing to myself directly is the only way to get through this thick skull of mine. Like the rest of us, I am human. So, my self doubt stops by for a visit, regularly. In order to kick him out, I have to be more direct then kindly asking him to exit the parts of my brain that have succumb to his negativity. I have to call myself out and put myself front and center and tell myself exactly what I need to hear, even if I don't realize it. Sometimes it's just what I need. 

Dear Melanie,

You deserve each and every star in the sky. I'm not kidding. And the minute you realize this to be true, the lighter you will feel. Don't you deserve to be happy? Fuck, we all deserve to be happy! We're placed on this large marble for an unknown number of years, and most of us spend that time just trying to figure it all out. We don't know what we're doing. We just give it our best shot along the way, making countless mistakes and stepping on toes, trying to make our way to the front, to that we can reach that one, universal goal, happiness. 

You will meet enough people in your life that don't want you to be happy. Some will veer you off course, sending you on a detour, and some will stop you in your tracks for sometime before you get the courage to pick up the rest of you and continue on. You'll meet enough of these people, so why allow yourself to be one of them? 

Stop talking yourself out of all the goodness in your life. Embrace it instead. Some of it can be hard to wrap your head around, this I know. But when you come to know your worth, it's that much easier to understand the goodness in your life and why you deserve it. 

So, let him love you without you asking why or how. Just love him back as fiercely. Let your sister tell you how great she thinks you are without your confusion as to why she thinks so. Maybe she sees something in you that you don't, yet. Let yourself be appreciated for all that you are. Because we all deserve to just that.  

Start realizing that to some, you exude light, and those are the ones you're supposed to hold onto with clenched fists, not keep an arms' length away. 

Just choose to accept and give love without barriers. You owe it to yourself, and the universe may thank you for it. 

Love,

Yourself

That being said, I hope that you choose to lift yourself up always, but especially when self doubt creeps in. Know you deserve to feel light and airy and free, always. xoxo. 

7 Hour Drive

There's something about driving through the desert alone that gives you a different perspective. I'm one of those people who loves to be reminded that they're a part of something so much bigger, and the desert is something that reminds me of that. It opens your eyes to just how much is out there beyond your comfort zone. Especially when you're driving through it for 7 hours. Your mind tends to wander a bit. From that book you keep meaning to finish, but forget about, to that friend you know you need to reach out to because it's been just a little too long, to everything you're planning to accomplish in the year to come. 7 hours can be a long time, but I've got enough going on up here to keep me busy. Not to mention, the killer road trip playlist that I sing my heart out to throughout the entire drive keeps me preoccupied as well.

I drove up to Reno last Thursday to surprise my best friend, Wendy, for her birthday. She had no idea that I was coming, and her boyfriend, Jason, had been helping me plan it for over a month. I had already known that the weekend would be great! But I failed to realize just how much Wendy and I both, had needed this. The weekend was lovely in all of it's entirety, from Wendy showing me around Reno, to all 3 of us going to explore Lake Tahoe. From the girl time spent drinking wine and binge watching Netflix, to the time spent alone on my drive there and home. It was nice to slow down for a minute and just take in all the goodness going on around me. Just enjoy time spent with my best friend in a beautiful place. The happiness I felt driving home, and continue to feel as I write this is one I'll be holding onto tightly. 

Below are some pictures from my trip. Enjoy! xoxo

 

PC: Jason

PC: Wendy

PC: Jason

PC: Jason

Life's Moments

I've been through my fair share of life's moments. Those curve balls you never see coming, or maybe you do but you don't have enough time to move out of the way, so you stay and take it. They've shaped me into the woman that I am, and am still becoming. I'm grateful for them, every last one. 

But I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few times along the way where I felt a little out of control. A little lost, in a sense. Okay, a good number of times. 

More recently, I've been struggling with the fact that I'm 22 and have yet to start my career. Hell. I haven't even made it halfway through college thanks to lack of money and some excuses, but why is beside the point. The fact is that is my current situation. I've been really hard on myself up to now. I've compared myself to everyone else who has graduated or started their careers, or looked as if they had their life together when in reality, I had no idea if what I saw on Facebook was accurate or not. But I didn't care. I saw these other people and would say to myself, "What are you doing Mel? Why don't you have your stuff together?!" I was harder on myself then necessary, but I think that's what pushed me to this point where I am currently. No, I don't yet have my degree, but I know that I'll get it some day. No, I haven't started my career just yet, but I'm pushing for it every single day because I know that I need to keep challenging myself if I want to do what I really want to do with MY life. 

I want to be a travel writer, at least that's what I think I want to be. In actuality, I have no idea if that's what I really want to do. I just know that I find the most joy doing those two things, writing and traveling. I don't have an exact idea of what I'm doing, but I do know that I'm trying. I'm writing every day and I'm constantly thinking of what I can do next to get me closer to whatever it is I should be doing. I decided to take some time off of school to focus more on my writing and traveling. It may not be how everyone else does it, but I can feel the goodness of this decision in my bones. And when you feel something in your bones... you're a fool to push that idea away. Simple as that. 

It's okay if you take a different road then that old friend you have on Facebook. Just know that their journey was for them, and yours is for you. Once you come to that realization, you become a little easier on yourself, and the lost feeling comes around a little less often.  

Within

Meet me atop a mountain 

and you will see within 

the deepest trenches of my heart,

Of my self

My darkest parts on display,

I am an open wound

But you see past that

Past all the scars,

into my very core

And I condone you,

for it is hard to see through all the fog

There was once a brick wall,

but it has been knocked down over time,

brick by brick 

and I am left bare.

The feeling of freedom 

courses through my veins 

as I overlook the vast landscape 

the universe has laid out before me

And I don't want this feeling to leave my bones 

for all of eternity

For now, I'm back on solid ground

However,

my soul is still atop that mountain

amongst the clouds.

The Mountains are Always a Good Idea

This is one of my many life motto's, and the one I chose to go with this past Monday, as I drove up to Zion National Park with my friend, Robert. We hadn't decided on a trail until we were driving into the park. I started to mention Angel's Landing and he was already responding with, "Let's do it," before I had finished my sentence. It was the best decision. 

Three hours later, as I stood at the top of Angel's Landing, overlooking all that I could see of Zion, I was at peace. The amount of content that I felt in that moment is one that will continue to resonate with me. Everything that had happened in my life up to that point was cast aside to make room for this one moment. And god, was it incredible. 

Everything was covered in snow, and the sun was just peeking out enough to make her appearance at the horizon. The mountains looked as if they could go on forever and cars along the highway seemed as if they were small ants, just inching along. I can close my eyes and still feel the cold wind on my face, accompanied by the five minutes worth of little snow sprinkles we received while up top. 

Angel's Landing was the hardest, most rewarding hike I've done yet, and I've spent the last week day dreaming about being back atop that mountain. 

Have a beautiful weekend lovelies! xoxo  

2016 Resolutions Intentions

I love beginnings. Fresh starts. Clean slates. New years. There's just something about beginning again that holds so much promise. You're the same person, you just have the chance to start anew. I love that.

At the end of each year, I write out my resolutions for the year to come. This year is no different; except that it is. Just slightly. Because there's nothing I feel that need to "resolve." I know who I am, and where I'm going, for the most part.

So this year, instead of labeling them resolutions, I'm calling them my intentions. I've listed them below, written as if I'm writing to myself. I hope you have a few resolutions, or intentions of your own this year.

Enjoy and Happy New Year! May 2016 be everything you intend it to be. xoxo

2016 Intentions

1. Pour yourself into your writing. Write constantly, ferociously and as often as possible. It will set you free.

2. Have more confidence in yourself, in your work, in your talents. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. 

3. Take care of yourself. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. YOU are your first priority.

4. Explore. Venture out. Wander endlessly. See the world. Don't stop feeding your hunger for adventure.

5. Always remember how strong you are. Take a second and recall how you've made it this far. That counts for something.

6. It's okay to be selfish, and it's okay to be selfless. Work on finding and understanding the balance between the two.   

7. Stop apologizing for who you are. The word "sorry" won't do any good when accompanied by the qualities that make up YOU. 

Feed Your Hunger in 2016

This year is coming to a close. 2016 is only 5 days away. 5 days. 

This year has defined a lot for me; definitely more than I had intended it to at the end of 2014. But I'm glad it did. 2015 opened my eyes, my heart, my mind, and my soul to what I truly needed and wanted in my life. This past year placed me on the path that I had wanted to be on all along, and now I know what direction I'm headed in. 

So, I'm ready for you 2016. I'm not sure what you're bringing me just yet, but I'm ready for it. 

Below is a short poem I wrote that I'm letting define my journey to come for 2016.

Enjoy! xoxo

Hunger

Don't let it starve

It will only grow more ravenous

With time 

And the less attention you allow it to have

It needs all you can give

It cannot survive without it

So please, don't let it die out

Because if you do, 

You'll grow to regret it more and more 

As time moves forward 

With no other care in the world

And you won't be able to fill that void with anything else

So, don't let it starve

Feed your hunger for adventure

Your hunger for life

Your hunger to live

Reality Check, Courtesy of Seattle, WA.

When I was planning for my trip up to Seattle, I put that beautiful city on a pedestal, without having been. I talked about how much I'd love it, and how perfect it'd be. I told my friends that everything would go exactly as I planned and I was prepared for if it didn't, but that everything would be fine. 

Prior to my Pacific Northwest road trip, I'd been to 4 states, including the one I currently reside in. Mind you, I've only stepped foot in Arizona once or twice. And the furthest I got into Utah was Zion, which is right outside of St. George, which is 2 hours away from Las Vegas. So, should I really count those 2 lovely states? Probably not, but I'll do it anyway. And I’ve been to Southern California many, MANY times. So, I'll still count that one. To say the least, I haven't done much travel and exploration, yet. I've talked about it continuously; how much I want to travel and how much I'd love everything I came into contact with. But I'm just beginning my travels. 

Well, there's one thing I forgot to take into consideration on my trip. Reality. The only knowledge I had of these other places was what I heard from a friend, what I saw in movies, what I read in books or on other blogs. I honestly had no clue what to expect from my trip or these new cities I’d be venturing into.

I encourage you to NOT base your experience to come off of any of these. Sure, use them to give you an idea, but keep an open mind for what’s to really come. This was my mistake. I expected everything to play out just as I had seen in all the movies. (Okay, one movie in particular, Sleepless in Seattle. Tom Hanks, need I say more?) To make a long story short, everything did not play out as it had in Sleepless in Seattle.

For instance, did you know that Seattle is a NORMAL city with bad parts of town that you shouldn't end up in, with your sister, after dark? That you will feel uneasy as you walk down the unfamiliar streets, in a bad part of town, at night, with too many pairs of eyes glaring at you? I didn't. Or at least, I was naive to the fact that Seattle was a normal city, just like everywhere else. I know this happens in Vegas, often. But I hadn’t been prepared for this in Seattle. I don’t know why I wasn’t, but I wasn’t. So when this happened, I was a little shocked.

After my sister, Paige and I got back to the apartment that we were staying at with our Chinese food, she asked me if I was okay. I’d been quiet ever since the little encounter on the street corner. I remember telling her that I just hadn’t expected it and wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t upset that it had happened; I was upset that I hadn’t expected it. I'd thought that I was more prepared. I suppose this is courtesy to my lack of travel and exploration, or maybe just my lack of street smarts. 

My trip was incredible. The best experience I've had thus far. But I learned a lot also. Seattle gave me a slight reality check, saying, "Hey Mel, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. The reality of life is that you never know what to expect and you have to be prepared for that. But I promise it's still extraordinary." Duly noted.

The First Saturday of November

There are so many different feelings that arise when you take a step outside of your comfort zone. Excitement, happiness, anxiety, nervousness. The first two outweigh the second two, most of the time. But I'd be lying if I said that anxiety and nervousness hadn't made their appearance.

I left Vegas for a week long road trip with my sister, Paige, through the Pacific Northwest, on the first Saturday of November. I'd never done anything like this. I didn't grow up taking trips or venturing out to new places. I just knew that there was so much I hadn't seen, but needed too.

There's so much loveliness in doing something for the first time. Because you only have a mere idea of what to expect, but so much is still left unknown. All you have are your questions and expectations dwindling in the dark. You can prepare as much as possible. Leave the house with 7 different lists of what you need and what you already have, but those won't prepare you for what you don't know.

They don't prepare you for all the different sights your eyes will see. They don't prepare you for all the different feelings that will ignite a spark in you along the way. They don't and can't prepare you for the countless moments you will spend in awe of the beauty that the world around you holds. God, it's truly remarkable.

I loved it all. Each and every second. I loved not knowing what was coming. It was a relief to me. I was finally able to breath again.


Below are some pictures from my trip through the Pacific Northwest. We stopped in Santa Cruz, CA, San Francisco, CA, Humboldt Redwoods National Park, Portland, OR, and Seattle, WA. Let's just say, I fell in love.

Happy Friday lovelies! xoxo