Stop. Take a breath.

A week ago today, I was in Laguna Beach, California. My boyfriend, Louie and I had decided to drive down for a little getaway trip, and it was the PERFECT idea. We both wanted to experience somewhere new, and had never been to Laguna before, so we decided to go. Needless to say, it was absolutely lovely. Laguna is what now comes to mind when I think of a beach city. It's filled with hole in the wall cafes, boutiques and so much art, you can't come close to seeing it all in one trip. So, I'll definitely have to be making a trip back!

 

Even though it was a shorter trip than I wanted it to be, it made me realize just how precious time is. It's there one second, and gone the next. Before I knew it, we were already back in Vegas and I was left missing the smell of the ocean and only able to look back through my pictures.

 

Sometimes we're moving through life so fast, we forget to stop. Take a breath. And enjoy the moment. I know I do. (It's on my to-do list though!)

 

So on this lovely, overcast day in Vegas, when just Saturday it was sunny and warm (That bi-polar weather we all know and "love") I want to stop. Take a breath. And enjoy the moment.

 

Happy Monday! ❤

And enjoy a few pictures from our trip!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is Love is Love

I normally think of what I should have said or done, after the situation has already passed. So, it being the day after Valentine's Day, it only makes sense that I would think to write about Love and just how important it is.

Love is it. It's the base of it all. At least I feel it is. A quote comes to mind as I write this,

"Unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense." -E.E. Cummings

And it's true, it's terribly true. It can be love in its simplest, or most treacherous form. Choose to love your sister, your best friend, and that neighbor down the street. Love your boyfriend, your puppy, and even that friend with whom you've grown apart from. But always love, no matter what. Love is what gets people out of bed in the morning and makes it so they are able to sleep soundly at night.

So whether you love someone, or are in love with them, hold onto it. Because when you have one of those days where nothing is going right; you woke up late, your hair looks like a birds nest, you're trying to rush out the door but can't remember where you put your keys, you get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wish you'd have put make up on, then you hit every red light, and your boss is angry at you so he gives you an excessive amount of work...

Remember that someone loves and cares about you, and you have someone to love and care about. Make that enough to get you through the day. Because if you let it, it will. It always will.

Something for Yourself

Journal entry from February 1, 2015

When was the last time you did something, just for you? I mean something that you did with no other intention but to bring joy to yourself.

I think about this as I sit by a window, at The Beat, a downtown coffee shop that I've come to love. I am surrounded by the company of my journals, my coffee, and this delicious chocolate muffin that I should regret, but don't. I look around at my fellow coffee drinkers, with their open books, laptops, or friend with whom they're conversing and smile to myself as I feel a calmness come over me.

Times like these, I enjoy being alone with my thoughts and my writing. It slows me down. It reminds me to stop, take a look around and breathe every once in a while. Life is beautiful, it really is. Even when it's a mess.

So as I sit here listening to some great music, courtesy of The Beat, and continue to attempt to put my thoughts onto paper, I am not thinking about how I really shouldn't take another bite of this chocolate muffin, or how tomorrow is yet another Monday.

I am scrawling my pen across the page, feeling the words come easier as my thoughts become more clear. I am enjoying this cup of coffee as it glides across my taste buds and makes them do a little cheer, "Yay for good coffee!" I am dancing in my chair to this really good song that's playing. I am looking out the window at passersby and wondering how their Sunday is going for them. Lastly, I am enjoying this moment. On this Sunday morning. Doing a little something for me.

Downtown Adventures, Pt. 1

 I've always had the wanderlust bug, for as long as I could remember. I just love venturing out and discovering new places, old and new, well known or little holes in the wall. Realistically, I know that I can't travel out of town every weekend. My bank account doesn't exactly match up to my travel plans, but that's an okay thing. Because I know that I have not seen all that Vegas has to offer, just yet. There are plenty of cute little thrift stores and coffee shops left for me to fall in love with, because I fall in love with places fairly easily. 

So that's exactly what I did. I went downtown with my friend, Courtney, and we made it our mission to discover places we hadn't been yet. I finally tried this coffee shop that I'd heard so much about, The Beat on the corner of Fremont and 6th. Their coffee was delicious and the good vibes in that place are purely contagious. We walked around a little longer, wandering into pricey boutiques and other places that caught our eye. 

Next, we wandered through The Arts District, which I wish I'd have gone too sooner. We started out at The Funk House, on the corner of S. Casino Center Boulevard and W. Colorado Avenue, which is an awesome thrift store ran by the coolest lady, Cindy. It's filled with so many incredible things, from wooden chairs that looked like they were from the 1900's, to this beautiful typewriter that I completely fell in love with. So I'm now on the search for one. Next, we wandered around a few art galleries and then ended up at Retro Vegas, located on the corner of S. Main Street and E. California Avenue. My first thought when I walked in was how psychedelic this place was. (I was born in the wrong era, I know). I wanted to buy everything just to make my apartment look this cool. I could have spent hours there. 

I left The Arts District already planning when I was going to go back and keep exploring, because I know there is still more for me to discover, and love in this city.

Your Happy Place

 

Photo credit to my sister, Paige.

Everyone has their own happy place. For some, it's confined inside of four walls that are lined with posters of your favorite bands, or hand drawn pictures, or that weird picture that your mom hung up but you can't find reason enough to take down. It may be inside your favorite coffee shop. That one with the too comfortable leather chairs, and the barista who recognizes your face every time and knows your order by heart.

I have a happy place of my own. Mine just happens to be surrounded by towering trees, over sized mountains, and a sky that looks like a never ending blanket. That is where I feel most at home; outdoors, no matter what the reason. I just like to be reminded that I am a part of something on a much larger scale. 

I went to Zion National Park the first weekend of the new year, and soon after I came to the conclusion that it was the best decision I'd made to start off 2015. I went with a group of people that made the trip that much more enjoyable for me. Plus, there was snow. And if you know me, you know that I absolutely adore the snow. I love how it makes everything look that much more beautiful and peaceful. It brings a stillness to life, and sometimes a stillness is needed for you to slow down and appreciate all that is around you. So being surrounded by it all, does nothing but put a smile on my face. 

I hope you have your own happy place and I hope that it does all of that for you, if not more. 

Things I Wish My Mother Taught Me

I wouldn't say that I was privileged in having good relationship role models. Growing up, the only consistent person I had around was my mom. And after my dad left, my mom became a different person. She unwillingly showed me that her happiness depended on another person, and it wasn't something her children could provide. I don't blame her, I never have. I know that she became the person she did, because she felt that she had too. Or maybe she felt that she didn't have another choice, I'm not sure. I know that she never intended to take the path she did, but everyone heads down many unplanned paths for various reasons. 

When I was young, I can remember watching my mom as she would put her all into a person, and in the end they would simply destroy her, piece by piece, little by little. They would waltz in and out of her life, without so much as a blink of an eye. She would latch onto them, sort of how a child clings to their security blanket. And she wouldn't let go, until she had no other choice but too. My mom had a difficult time knowing her worth, no matter how many times I found myself holding her hand in mine and telling her how beautiful of a person she was, and still is.

All through my youth, I thought that my mom's relationships, were how it was supposed to be. She would give and give pieces of herself to people, in hopes that they would stick around. And then she'd be wrecked when they left, because she felt that a piece of her happiness had left as well. I've learned that each relationship is different, people may come and go. But that your happiness doesn't need to dissipate each time someone exits your life. 

I wish my mother had taught me that I do NOT need to depend on another person for my happiness. I wish she had taught me to be more strong willed and independent. To put myself first, because in order to create happiness for others, I need to create it for myself first. Although she did not teach me these, it does not mean that I have not learned them. I feel more secure in the person I am, and still becoming with each passing day, and for that, I thank her. Because she has shown me that you are constantly growing and evolving, and that as long as you don't limit yourself, you can continue to learn what you need to become a better YOU. 

Dearest Momma,

This past year has been filled with a lot of different emotions. In the beginning, I felt torn, worn down, and helpless. I had to remind myself constantly that there is only so much you can do to help someone, when they aren't willing to help themselves. I use to hold my breath, not knowing the kind of mood you'd come home in, or how you'd react to any given situation. I wanted so badly for you to want to change, but it didn't happen. Until one day, it did. 

I remember my heart dropping to the floor as soon as my sister told me what happened. Come to think of it, I don't think I picked it up for a while after that. I just sort of left it there on the ground, collecting dust and adding to the scratches and cracks that already existed. I walked though the world as a ghost for the month following that phone call. I couldn't help it. So much had happened and at first, I didn't know how to handle it all. I was so angry, but so upset and scared. I didn't know how to express that all while still attempting to maintain a strong exterior for my sisters.

You're a completely different person. You now remind me of the mother you were when I was a little girl. You're so lighthearted, kind and carefree. I knew you were there, under all the layers of pain you had experienced. I knew that you used alcohol to numb the pain at first, and then after you got used to the numbness, it turned into an addiction. I've accepted that I wasn't enough to make you change, that we all weren't. I've accepted that this was something that you had to do for yourself. I'm just happy now that you have, changed that is. Now, 7 months later, I can honestly say that after everything, it's a relief to be able to breathe again. I even picked my heart up from the floor. 

I'm reminded of how lucky we are to have you back. No matter what this past year has put my sisters and I through, you're finally back with us and I couldn't be happier. 

Life is Beautiful, October, 2014.

 

The feeling of being surrounded by people who are just as lost in the music as you are, is simply an indescribable feeling. Music has the ability to lift you up and take you somewhere that you've never been. This is one of the most powerful feelings that I know of. 

To put it simply, this night was one of the greatest of my existence. 

Photos taken at Downtown Las Vegas, featuring various street art, the Foo Fighters, and the Arctic Monkeys. 

Happiness

I'm currently in the process of rediscovering my happiness, because I lost it for a while, or maybe I misplaced it. Either or, it's been absent. I'm well aware that it can happen to anyone, just didn't think it'd be me. But life has a way of surprising us all, whether positively or negatively.

I've come to this recent realization that my happiness must come from within, and it must be my first priority. It isn't something that someone can create for me. Happiness is a choice. And the only way another person can have power over my happiness is if I allow them to.

So I'm going to start creating my own happiness, starting with my own simple pleasures. I will choose to drink coffee whenever I damn well please, spend my Sunday swaddled up in my blankets with Netflix as my only company, get lost in a novel to the point where I forget to eat, laugh uncontrollably at something no one else seems to find the least bit funny, or drive around the city if not only to listen to good music, but just for the joy the drive brings. Each of these, and countless more bring a small smile to my face.

I desire to be that girl who all think is smiling for no reason; but in reality, it's just because she's happy. And it's not anyone's doing but her own. That simple statement is what will make all the difference between yesterday and today.

Under the Kitchen Table

It was late afternoon. Late afternoon under my kitchen table. I had one arm wrapped around my sister, and the other cradling her head. She was so small at the time, we both were. Each time his voice rose, we cringed. We couldn't help it. It sounded like a roar erupting from deep inside a dragon's belly. Through the chair legs, I could see him standing there, and just past him, stood my mom. She was screaming back at him, and I swear I saw wings begin to blossom from her back, as though the caged bird she once was, could be set free. 

In that instant, I saw his hand rush up and clench her throat. The fire in her eyes began to descend as his grew. I shielded my sister's eyes and closed my own. There wasn't anymore I wanted, or needed to see. He continued to yell until he was left with the last word. He stormed out leaving my mom, the look of defeat seeping from every pore. That's when I knew this would be the beginning of a forest fire, the ones that take heaven and earth to stop. 

My Sisters, My Blessings

Not everyone is blessed with a sibling,  let alone three. And especially not sisters like mine. I consider myself lucky. Not only for having sisters, but for the relationship I share with each of them and the bond we all have. 

My sisters are my best friends.  I can tell them anything and know that they won't judge me, but try to understand and respect where my head is at.

Megan has the largest heart of anyone that I have ever known.  She feels everything so deeply. She's always looking to help in anyway she can. If that means buying a homeless man a burger and chasing him down to give it to him, or just smiling at every stranger she sees in hope that it will make their day a little brighter. She always tells me the bitter truth, no matter what and I love that. No matter what happens between us, I can always count on her.

Paige is wise beyond her years, and she's aware of it. But she doesn't let that stop her from still being a teenager.  She has a beautiful soul filled with independence and the lust for exploration.  I can't wait to see how she takes the world by storm and the woman she becomes.  She is always inspiring me to go after my dreams and aspirations and to never hold back.  I am so grateful for her and the way we can relate to each other on the level we do.

Hailey is still so young and innocent.  She doesn't know how the world is yet and that makes me happy that she still has the time to remain a kid. I'm glad that she has 3 older sisters who will show her the way as she grows, and who will teach her that she is her own person and that is what makes her beautiful.  That, and her unconditional love. 

My sisters are what matter most to me in this world. I know that with them by my side, we can handle anything the universe has to throw at us. And that is what makes all the struggles worthwhile.